“This year has been hard, but God has never left my side. Never dropped my hand. He’s held me. Comforted me. Sustained me. And he’s spoken life into all the sickness, hurt, pain, and brokenness that has come my way.
Every test that we were afraid would be bad, has come back good. I don’t have cancer or any other life-threatening disease. Sure I’m not as healthy as I’d like to be and I’m going to be struggling with some lifelong diseases and disorders but I’ll continue to hold on to hope that Christ will heal those, and if He chooses not to, then I’ll trust Him in that too.
I’ve learned to work with my sickness and rest. Yes, it’s true that I take at least two naps a day, but if that’s what I need to do to function and uphold my relationships then that’s what I need to do. Plus, I kind of love naps so I need to learn to be grateful for them, even when they are forced upon me.
And the strained relationships, well, I now understand why God gave me the words “Choose Relationship” for 2019. I now know why he had me digging deep into and writing about relationship this year. It’s because I would need those reminders myself, to carry me through these hard months. And as I listen to His comforting words and allow Him to carry myself and my family through this season, I’m seeing restoration and growth between my kids and me, as well as my husband and me.”
This is where we left off with the “Excerpts from an Introvert’s Journal” posts.
In the next few posts I am going to share the good that God is working through my sickness. First, on my relationship with him.
If you recall from last year’s “Choose the Good Portion of Relationship” series that as much as I love relationship and want to be totally in the present moment with God and my people, well, it is a near impossibility for me. I can be with my people and I can sit at the feet of God, but not without my Martha-ism kicking in and a hundred voices in my head reminding me of all that needs to be done. Being a Martha makes it really hard to be fully present. It makes it really hard to choose the good portion of relationship.
But God has used this time of sickness to free my head from those nagging voices. Brain fog has been one of my health issues. I become so extremely exhausted that I can barely think.
I joke with my husband that one good thing about my health issues is that I finally think like him, like a dude. Meaning my brain has moments of quiet, of stillness, and God has shown me how to use this quiet and be still in His presence. I have been able to sit in conversation with Him and not be assaulted by my “to do” list.
Admittedly this too, has its issues because I forget a lot of things right now. A lot. But it feels so good to go from someone whose brain sounds like someone shoved a FM radio in it, to moments of complete silence, stillness, and peace.
Also, it is not always silent. There are still moments when I can’t shut the voices off, but that’s okay too, they are just reminders and God is teaching me how to silence the ones that don’t need to be heeded.
God has used my sickness to help me to recognize and do what is necessary; to be in the moment, at His feet, and just enjoy the fullness of his presence just as Mary did when she chose the good portion.
*All biblical references are ESV unless otherwise noted.